Rest assured, dear reader, that this—or any other story published here—has not been written by a factotum. We know there has been growing concern about mechanical constructs performing all sorts of tasks once reserved exclusively for living entities. There have been whispers within many academic circles accusing various published works of being created through artificial means. Believe me, if a factotum had written anything here, it would’ve been much more coherent and infinitely more entertaining than anything you’ve seen thus far. So sleep well, friend, knowing that the quality of our writing will not improve any time in the near future.